erratic posting, erratic life

Erratic. This is a good word to describe us at the moment. It's not necessarily a bad thing, as I learn to let-go-and-go-with-it.

Isn't it weird how some people see you so differently? I have a friend who thinks I am super-organised, super-efficient with a plan. I have another friend who thinks I'm slightly mental, possibly unstable and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants. I've come to the conclusion that even though these people love me, they are judging me by their own standards, which we all do.

I regularly beat myself up about my house. It isn't pretty/ tidy/ clean enough. I recently commented to dearest husband that two of my good friends (neither home educators - note) had immaculate houses with every thing in place. Without thinking about the consequences, my dearest suggested that may be they are normal, and we aren't. Given that I do 90% of the household jobs, this was the wrong thing to say. I didn't sulk or get upset. I simply said that WE will spend the weekend cleaning, tidying and sorting the house. This didn't last. By 11.00 am I had had enough, so under the pretence of needing tin foil and cleaning equipment, I grabbed Od as a willing accomplice and went to the 99p store for some budget retail therapy. We then went to the coffee shop, bought two large luxury hot chocolates and giggled together for a while. It was the best medicine.

The universe was obviously looking after me too, because whilst trying every thing in the joke shop I bumped into an old friend who, two years ago was half way through renovating her house. I asked how it was going and she beamed "Still pretty much half way, but we do have a bathroom which is lovely but the hallway is really rather dangerous, the kids have to shimmy round the edges every day to avoid the drop!" She was so happy, and so thrilled to have a bathroom that it made me feel very bad about my unfinished tiling and odd jobs.

My mood restored I returned home to a cleaned living room (yay!) and a slightly sheepish husband asking:

"I've picked up Shreks' cars three times and every time my back is turned, he empties them out again and the other two boys keep messing up the sofa, how do you cope with that?" Cue serene smile from me and an offer to make him a cup of tea.

We spent the afternoon baking biscuits and listening to BBC Radio 4's A History of the World in 100 Objects.

It was good to escape and regroup my thoughts, it was good to spend some time with my daughter, to hear her opinions and thoughts and feelings and to come home to a husband who appreciates me that little bit more.

It was good to let go of worrying about what people might think, of what I "should" be doing and just do what I wanted to do. Every one was happier for it. Life is better, we are better and I am so pleased because it could have ended up so much worse. If I hadn't decided to leave the house and get some air, then tension could have developed, an argument could have erupted and the day may have ended in a very different way.

Today I made the right choice and I am pleased. I hope I make the right choices again tomorrow , but if I don't, I will come back to this post and remind myself that today, this day, I got it right.