The human body. Oh yuck.

I am not one of those people who is normally queasy. Granted, the sight of my own blood has me passing out, but I am pretty good with the bodily fluids of others. When you have small children, there really is little choice.

So I entered in to the learning experience that was the Human Body with a light heart and eagerness.

So very wrong.

We are disgusting cretins.

Here is a picture to prove it:
This looks pretty innocent, doesn't it? It's MB's outline, with the organs placed, albeit slightly haphazardly. (There was a whole dilemma about the large intestines being hidden if we were accurate, so now they hang out of the bottom, looking for all the world like the most terrifying case of piles known to man.)

Not content with this 2 dimensional poster, we took a trip down the meat aisle.

Big. Huge. Mistake.

We were all heaving by the end. It started out well enough - "Oh look, Liver. What does liver do children?" And I got a fairly accurate response. It took a bad turn when we found the pigs kidneys and got gradually worse when we arrived at the legs of lamb. There was quivering bottom lips and a swift gallop to the bakery aisle.

Back home, we took a break from the organs, and went on to learn the names of bones. EB got this. He can name any bone in your leg, pretty good for a six year old. OD didn't quite so much. Every time I pointed to my thigh, she said "kidney bone". I think the meat aisle scarred her more than I realised. Whoops.

In order to make the project more light hearted and fun, fun, fun, we opened up the Horrible Science, Blood, Bones and Body Bits kit. We could make a plaster brain and colour the different zones in making it pretty and educational, double whammy!! I forget that only last week we were on a course where the instructor warned us of the dangers of plaster, how it warms up and can damage your skin, burn you. EB is weeping before the powder is dissolved. Nothing is even touching him. He doesn't want to get burned. I tell him all will be fine, this is a controlled environment. Then the stupid dog knocks the table, EB gets a smidge on his arm and starts screaming "It burns! It burns!" like Gollum. a quick spell under the cold tap sorts out the arm and then mother is left to finish the brain because no child will get within four foot of it.

We try the digestive system experiment in the kit, involving vegetable oil, marbles and a plastic tube. Now it is my turn to be freaked out, as I have a complete and utter fear of tubes. The feel of them makes me heave and nearly black out, this is the reason I didn't have pain relief in child birth, because pain is preferable than a plastic tube being near me in any way. Kids get the marbles stuck in the tube. I find out that there is some thing worse than my tube fear, and that is a tube lathered up with vegetable oil. I want to pass out but manage to hold it together long enough to get one bead out. The kids oooh and aaah at the marvel that is the muscles within their own digestive tract whilst I am murmuring "find a happy place" to myself over and over.

I cannot face the other experiments in the kit, so we pack it all up and place it on a high shelf for another time.

We put together a rather snazzy booklet with diagrams of body organs, descriptions and recounts of the experiments. I feel rather proud of this proof.

But I don't need it.

Every time they eat now, they discuss what is happening inside them.

Every time they pass a bowel movement, they feel compelled to shout from the loo, be it ours or a public one "I'M PASSING WASTE! MY INTESTINES HAVE DONE THEIR JOB AGAIN!!!" or "MY KIDNEYS HAVE BEEN BUSY, THAT WAS A REALLY LONG WEE."

I told you this was not a pretty post. I hope you're not eating your tea.