what it means to fail

That is not an inspiring title. Not so close to the start of a fresh, sparkly New Year.

But I have a thing about failure. I want my children to embrace it, not run in fear of it like I did (sometimes still do.) I want them to know that if you mess up, it is fine. The boys have pretty much got this, but my daughter....not quite so much.

Today there was a pony related episode, whereby Od got planted on the floor by hers. She was angry mad, her face tear stained and frustration almost causing steam to come out of her ears. Weirdly, it reminded me of her old maths face. She beat herself up, and even though I tried to make her see it was OK and told her that we all fall off sometimes, it really upset her, and I know she went to bed beating herself up about it. She totally blamed herself, and it broke my heart.

She is my daughter, and she has a lot of my personality traits. We are both great at picking other people up when they fall, but very hard on ourselves when it happens to us. I know she and I will both pick the episode apart, she will try and think about how she could have stayed on, me, how I should have seen it coming and prevented it. He's a little bit naughty, he's a pony....most of them are. I saw the signs, but thought she would handle it - she had before, but this time she didn't.

Mothering is a tough business. Of course there is lots of Joy but always hiding in the background, waiting for it's moment is Worry and Fear of Failure.

What if they hate me when they grow up for giving them too much freedom as children? Am I failing them?

This may sound strange but I know someone who wishes her parents had pushed her more at ballet as she regrets not making it as a professional dancer, and having parents who allowed her to drop out of dance classes.

Eb swims. He has a weekly lesson and it is tough...it would exhaust me. Yet he loves it. When he first started he finished last in every length, now he is in the middle of the pack. He never cared or noticed where he was, he just loved swimming.

Mb makes art. He goes to art school. He doesn't even know the names of half of the other kids, let alone what they've done or made (although he gleefully reports stories of the "naughty" boy back to the rest of us!) He goes to make beautiful things....he goes to create and paint and sculpt and have an adult who is as excited as he is about abstracts.

For now, these things make them happy. In the past it's been Cubs, Brownies, ninjitsu, archery, fencing, dancing, drama, boys brigade and on and on.

I suck at making my kids to stuff they don't want to do...I just let them stop. I'll maybe suggest they give it one more try, or if I've paid a lot of money for a course, I'll negotiate that they stick it out until the paid for session is up, but I won't drag a child to something for some unseen greater good.

What if my kids turn round and say to me....

"You should have pushed us harder."

What can I say to that? Would I class myself as a failure? That Home Ed had failed us?

I have no answers. I can only trust that they, even as small human beings, are still capable of knowing whether they want to do something or not.

And keep my fingers crossed.